TV - The only Sherlock adaptation you need to see

This week, Kneel Downe has something to confess...

*Coughs nervously...clears throat...gets unsteadily to his feet*

"My name is Kneel and...and I'm a hater."

Ripple of applause...soft murmurings...someone shouts "Right on Brother! Let it all out..."

*Waves of relief wash over me...I have outed myself*

So...welcome to my confession....

You know me. I dislike many things. I'm easily irritated and sometimes quick to anger but, deep down, there are actually very few things I really hate, things that have an almost physical effect upon me....Here's a few:

Murder She Wrote. (Just the music is enough to ruin my day)
The Mentalist. (Even a photo of this smarmy, plastic fecker is enough to get me going)
And SHERLOCK...The latest BBC version...the one you all adore...Yeah, that one.

To put my cards on the table I must confess that I'm not a huge fan of the whole thing. I'm aware of and quite like the source material but I've never gone out of my way to search out any adaptations. For me it's a bit like James Bond...something other people love but just doesn’t engage with me at all. But...

But I gave this new version a chance. I didn't hate the first episode but neither was I wowed. No...the hatred came later. I remember exactly when. It was after that 'Clever' bit...you know the one, the one that came directly after that other 'Clever' bit and was closely followed by something extremely Clever indeed...

And on and on it went...

Episode after episode. Clever clever clever....Look at us, we am de smarts mens...

I swear I couldn't hear the 'Clever' dialogue after a while...it was drowned out by the sound of mutual back slapping and self satisfied giggles...

CLEVER.

ONE LINERS.

PLOT?

Oh yes...let’s look at the 'Plots' or lack of herein...

A succession of one liners, cute ideas and the aforementioned plethora of 'CLEVER' do not make a plot...they make smug...cloying, stinking smug...(It takes me hours to wash it away...sometimes I find I still have smarm sticking to me days later)

A bomb on a tube train!! I wonder how many times they had to watch V for Vendetta before they thought up that ground breaking idea?

A wedding....

On and on and on....

Here's the only interesting female character...we can't have her spoiling this Clever Boy Fest... hmm... let’s just rewrite her...remove her significance....but don't worry...See that coal man? Yeah him...He's Benedict's ACTUAL coalman in real life!!! Oh Clever.

And Sherlock's neighbours? You guessed it....Benedict's ACTUAL NEIGHBOURS!

Mind Palace.....The actual fuck?

Next season we shall see his Clue Chamber...and get this...it's bigger on the inside and can travel in TIME...Actual fucking TIME...and that dead guy...you know the one? Well he's back because as you know, TimeLords never really die...

This show cannot work out if it's a REAL Drama aching to be fantasy or fantasy striving to be real. It's a mess...a car crash of indulgence.

Never has The Emperor’s New Clothes been more apt...This is the most naked drivel I have ever seen...

This show doesn’t even flatter to deceive...it flatters to PLEASE...ITSELF.

Smug everywhere...in my eyes and nose...drowning.

But the character development, Kneel?!

Here's the character development from three seasons...

"Oh Sherlock, you are an unlikeable Twat...but I love you anyway."

"Yes Watson, of course you do...Do you find something slightly Homo Erotic about this?"

"Yes...Yes I do..."

THE END.

On and on and on....

But it shouldn't be like this...the actors are good, great even...and the writers are superb...on the subject of the writers I can't help but imagine this little scene:

"But Steven...some of these new ideas are a little..."

"Brilliant? Yes I know!"

"No, actually I was..."

"I'm thinking of giving you more screen time..."

"I LOVE THESE IDEAS!"

On and on and on....

Self satisfied suffocating smug shite...(I see you cowering there, Doctor Who...Don't worry...I'll get round to you soon)

The ONLY way they could get me to hate it more is if they got Gok Wan to force a fat, disabled woman to show her saggy boobs to an entire shopping arcade. (Self empowerment my arse)

Ahem...But to get to the title of this article...The only Sherlock adaptation you need to see is The Hound of the Baskervilles by Peter Cook and Dudley Moore...Genius, funny and it displays the lead character in ALL his inherent foolishness...

It also contains one of the best songs ever and yes, Ren, it actually sticks very closely to the source material...

Ok...I'm done...

Relax.

Oh....and Alan Bastard Twatting Chatty Man Carr...I hate you too.

(MIND PALACE? I mean...the ACTUAL fuck?)

Image - BBC