Film - Hellboy

The voices in Steve Taylor-Bryant's head finally take over, unusually taking the form of the writer/director of Hellboy, as he hallucinates a conversation with Guillermo del Toro...

I've been unwell recently. Proper poorly with hallucinations as one of the side effects of whatever virus it was I contracted. I'm not yet ready to discuss the one where Satan used my heart as a womb as I'm still unsure it wasn't real, I guess time will tell on that one, but one I did have that I am comfortable speaking about is the one where Guillermo del Toro visited my bedroom and asked for help. Even in my sickest of states someone wants me to write something, I just can't get a day off! Being as it was GdT though I felt I had to oblige him as he is a genius filmmaker and it's not like he's always on the scrounge for favours. Obviously the following conversation is from my warped psyche (I googled GdT's whereabouts and there is no way he could have actually been in my bedroom) and so I don't claim to have ever interviewed him for real, however what imaginary GdT had to say struck me as fascinating and I couldn't argue his points so I share with you now my conversation with Guillermo del Toro as we explain why Hellboy is the best comic book film of all time...

Me: Guillermo man, I'm in my pyjamas! What the hell are you doing in my bed chamber?

GdT: funny you should use the word the 'hell' as that's why... Wait! Did you just call this your bed chamber? Never mind, I'm here because I need you to help me get through the world.

Me: do we not use chamber anymore?

GdT: not since 1856 dude.

Me: Right, okay. Er... help you get through to the world about what?

GdT: Hellboy, man! They just don't get it.

Me: get what?

GdT: that it's the greatest comic book film of all time!

Me: aren't you forgetting Supergirl?

GdT: dude we've all been trying to forget Supergirl. Wow, you really are hopped on some nasty virus spores aren't you?

Me: yes! It's the virus that made me mention the Supergirl film, no other reason *coughs* so what can I do to help you buddy?

GdT: firstly - pull up the covers dude, no one needs to see that! Secondly - you agree with me right? Tell me I've chosen wisely with my portal to 'normal' folk?

Me: never really thought about it to be honest. Is that the one with with red horny dude who loves candy?

GdT: I think your remembering Christmas porn again. It's the one with Nazis using dark science and a strange monkey type boy is thrown into our reality and grows up to be Ron Perlman.

Me: and nails Selma Blair, the jammy git.

GdT: seriously dude, what's wrong with you? Selma is a fantastic actress and I don't like your tone.

Me: sorry.

GdT: you remember the film though?

Me: I do! It was great. Fantastic writing, fantastic visuals, great casting. I don't understand though. Why do you need my help? Doesn't everyone already know this is the greatest comic book film (excluding Supergirl obvs!) ever?

GdT: no they don't! The world's all 'Marvel this' and 'DC that' and they are forgetting Dark Horse in all their 'which Brit can we put in spandex' nonsense. Seriously, dude, cover it up or I'm chopping it off!

Me: it certainly bridges the gap between the comedic Marvel films and ultra dark DC ones and let's face it John Hurt as Broom has never played John Hurt better!

GdT: exactly man! Do you know I achieved that film on less budget than Disney has for stamps? Fucking stamps man! No one sends letters anymore.

Me: so you want me to tell the world that Hellboy is the best cast, best written, best use of budget film ever made?

GdT: yes!

Me: why don't I just put a link at the end of this conversation for people to buy the DVD and see for themselves?

GdT: that right there! That's why I chose you, it's your intelligence as well as your good looks! The world will listen to you, except Selma obviously as the court order means you HAVE TO STOP CALLING HER!

And just like that he was gone. Back into GdT's world to hopefully map out a Hellboy 3. He was right though. Hellboy is pound for pound the best comic book film ever made and in our world of billion dollar universes we shouldn't forget what can achieved by a great and talented team for about $60million. 

Now grab that sponge would you? It's time for my bed bath.

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