TV - Game of Thrones Season 8, Episode 1

The Defective Inspector does a spoilery but fun catch up on the wonders of Winterfell and the first episode of the new season of Game of Thrones, but he really wishes they'd just Get On With It...

Why am I doing this now? I’ve seen plot move faster in slow motion Downton Abbey and thus I hoped more to happen in episode 2. Since not much did, I decided instead to write up my summary in a certain… fashion. Oh and spoiler warning, you bet your sweet ba-tootie there are spoilers.

Episode 1 starts with a brand new eternally running intro scene. Yes I love them, yes they are beautiful, but sweet jebus I won’t be missing these at the end of Season 8. “Dany”, a name I hope never sticks, comes marching in with her army of unsullied accompanied with the various important characters. Huzzah! Bran, pretty much Professor X at this point, is sitting around glancing at everyone like he is the audience, happy that everyone is together now but afraid the situation won’t progress very quickly. He was right, and I hated to admit that because I loathe Bran. Both the cereal and the character. Apart from some rather strong female rulers doing some ironic dick-measuring the whole scene is just to point out they have arrived at Winterfell. This slow progression of events is iconic for the episode.

We’re rushed into Kings Landing and finally something unexpected happens. Our favourite pirate/prince/warrior whatever the hell Euron is these days remained eternally cocky by talking about how his cocky wants to be thrown into Cersei. We all know this is batshit crazy, as does Cersei, yet it happens anyway. At some point, Bron is given a crossbow I call “Bog Watcher” to kill Jaime and Tyrion. We don’t expect anything to happen and instead of telling us anything else the episode just rushes on quickly. Who needs answers eh? Luckily while Cersei is receiving the newest anchor in her port Yara, our favourite actual naval captain, is rescued by the dong-less wonder that is Theon. After a head to head interaction we end out time at Kings Landing.

AND back to Winterfell, sorta. The dragons are sad, Jon Snow and Dany go on a fly because apparently that solves the Winterfell dragon blues and hide somewhere to do a bit of tonsil tennis. Now we’re actually back in Winterfell and instead of moving more plot along we have Arya demanding a tool from Gendry (that was for those who have seen episode 2) and tiny interactions between Arya and the Hound occur. My guess is the makers of the movie wants us to remember who these characters are as they didn’t let us continue the saga for BLOODY AGES. It is a soap opera really, lots of silly reunions.

Finally, we have a moment worth caring about. Sam, everyone’s favourite hero of the entire series, catches up with Dany. In his usual happy good man attitude is swiftly told about how his family tree has been ripped apart by dragon fire. Dany does seem remorseful, knowing that everyone loves Sam more than her, but it still makes him cry and I died a little inside. Never before have I hated Dany so damn much, so much I call her Dany. Fuck Dany. After such a blistering bit of news Sam is grilled by Professor X to tell John Snow he is part of the incest club. Sam does, but that’s where it kinda falls apart.

Then we have one of the best scenes (apart from those with Sam) happens in the episode. The Night Kings message. Despite my spoiler warning I am leaving it at that, the scene is so good that those who saw it don’t need it explained and those who haven’t shouldn’t be ruining themselves with my blithering words.

The ending pans to Jaime and Bran staring at each other, which was… A sorta cliff-hanger? We all knew it was going to happen eventually but… Yeah. The end. Damn that was one episode. It took a chunk to write but really, it was a lot of reunion hugs and not much else.

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