Film - The Expendables

The Expendables

Using words like arsewipes, steven harris casts his ageing eye of wisdom over a film with ageing eyes...

Who in the universe thought it would be a good idea to gather together all the creaking, fuck-up-faced arsewipes from 80s action movies and put them together in an 80s style action movie in the 21st century? Well, Sly Stallone, I guess, seeing as he co-wrote the thing. And directed it. And starred in it. Apart from a couple of good lines – Schwarzenegger’s cameo references Sly’s Rambo days by saying “He loves playing in the jungle, right?” – there is nothing faintly amusing about this clusterfuck of meaningless kill scenes.

So it is pretty much just like the 80s throwbacks that died somewhere in, well probably 1989, and all but killed the alleged careers of Dolph Lundgren and Eric Roberts (aside from him being The Master in the 1996 film version of Doctor Who and he’s hammier than month old bacon in that). Oh look, Jason Statham is in it. Fitting because he’s a throwback himself. He’s a Neanderthal masquerading as a modern film actor. A bald-headed wolf in bald-headed wolf’s clothing. A bad actor. A thug. He fits in perfectly.

Apparently there is a narratological structure to this film. If anyone spots it could they give it the bus fare home as I think its family haven’t seen it since 1943. Someone is bad in an American ex CIA twat corrupting a Spanish-speaking neo-Marxist country manner. Very 1985, I guess. The CIA themselves (as covertly represented by Bruce Willis who still has a career and should have known better but hey at least he doesn’t look as old and scrotum-faced as everyone else here) want the bad CIA guy removed but can’t do it themselves so hire Stallone’s mercenaries to do it for them and then presumably intend to kill said mercenaries and NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.

Yeah right. There’s a girl in there too. Well two. Statham has a love interest who dumps him for a girlfriend beater. Best thing about her is she is Charisma Carpenter. That’s Cordelia from Buffy and from Angel to you. But not to you in THAT way. Oh no, she and I have something special and we always have had. Jealous much?

The other girl is the Marxist, Spanish-speaking General’s daughter and Stallone wants to boff her. Only he doesn’t because he’s all about chivalry. Or his penis fell off from all the steroids or something.

Best thing in the movie? Mickey Rourke. He’s often the best thing in his movies. And at least he has a genuine excuse for his face now resembling a haemorrhoidal cow’s backside. He took up boxing again in his late 30s and got pounded like a side of meat until eventually he decided he wanted to concentrate on acting again while he still had more than one brain cell left. He was once so pretty but oh well, he can still act. The rest of them? If only the weapons had been real, the ammunition live. Oh no, I’ve just killed Jason Statham. Never mind, he is a puissant and makes awful films. True. Bagsy I get to decapitate Lundgren now.

Image - IMDb.