Film - Five Anti-Christmas Movies

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Hot on the heels of Nate McKenzie's Christmas Movie list, the De-Festive Inspector lives up to his name and gives us five definitely Anti-Christmas Movies...

One thing that I love and hate about this holiday are the movies. I used to love watching movies like Home Alone, Die Hard, The Snowman and every Santa Clause-related feature film. However getting older made me realise something, I don’t WANT to watch the same bloody movie every year, no matter how good they are (look at you John McClane). So below I have provided 5 movies for 5 different Christmas scenarios you are desperately trying to avoid while also keeping you entertained and could probably get for about £5 each.

Scenario: Aunt Eda keeps going on about Jesus? 
Film: Dogma (1999)

Despite Alan Rickman being involved in Die Hard his role is quickly forgotten when being the Voice of God. This movie takes a steaming dump on just about everything about religion while also keeping you constantly entertained. With a masterful comedy juggernauts like George Carlin and Chris Rock working with the clever writing from Kevin Smith it was almost assured to be a beautiful piece of work ready to offend the easily offended. Despite the heavy amounts of Christianity it couldn’t be any less Christmas. Best part? Aunt Eda will leave out of protest. PERFECT

Scenario: Cousin Jerry keeps talking about his “new project”? 
Film: One Hour Photo (2002)

Cousin Jerry needs to know what the future holds with his current choices in life. That “new project” has appeared many times and thus his life is becoming a bit lonely… His hair is starting to drip away… He might not be full blown crazy yet but he’s only a few Polaroid’s away from stalking. This unsettling piece of cinematography should scare anyone out of their one bedroom flat and consider a flat share or maybe, heaven forbid, a relationship beyond the laptop search bar. It’s also a really good movie showing a versatility of the late Robin Williams, so that’s a bonus ‘n’ all!

Scenario: Grandma Mavis keeps trying to sing the “Sound of Music”? 
Film: Moulin Rouge (2001)

Her attempts to sing the song will be dwarfed by… Well a dwarf dressed as a nun. Excluding the fact you’ll have to hide your uncomfortable attraction towards either Nicole Kidman or Ewan McGregor (God forbid both, so sayeth Eda) you shall be rather entertained. There is a little trick here in making Mavis THINK she is watching The Sound of Music by having the lyrics pop up randomly in the first 30 minutes of the movie while you enjoy the tight clothing, questionable morality, Queen infused insanity that is Moulin Rouge. You’ll also get to see Jim Broadbent with one of the greatest moustaches in movie history.

Scenario: Your sister’s baby Little Jimmy won’t shut up? 
Film: Lego Movie (2014)

This movie is genius, it enforced an advertising campaign into the brain of every child throughout the globe while also touching our hearts/funny bones. So why recommend it? Simple! All you need to do is show them this movie and they’ll go “MUuuuuuuuum, I wanna play with some Lego!” PERFECT! It’s Christmas time, make sure you buy the little blighter a box of the stuff and he’ll be out of your hair in no time. While he sticks bits of plastic up his nostril (Jimmy’s age ranges greatly in this story) you can enjoy Morgan Freeman and Will Farrell while thinking back to when YOU were a master builder. Remember that space-ship-cat made out of 11 different colours? Beautiful!

Scenario: Some smart arse git keeps being anti-Christmas despite celebrating Christmas? 
Film: Die Hard (1988)

It won’t work on me this time! NO SIR! I will show the stone-like resolve o- What’s this? Now I have a machine gun? Ho-ho-ho? DAMMIT! NOT AGAIN!

Merry Die Hard everyone!

Images - IMDb

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